Reality Check

It turns out that the only thing more unrealistic than soap operas is committing to write a daily recap blog about one when you already have a demanding full time job and at least some semblance of a social life. Now that I finally have a decent-looking site, a somewhat effective, zero-budget marketing platform and a rockin' brood of loyal fans The Breakdown needs a break.

There are a few special circumstances in which I may make a comeback...
1. You throw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store aisle until I am so embarrassed I have no choice but to comply.
2. A legit publisher decides to pay me to do this.
3. The government decides to pass a bill that extends the number of hours in a day.

Thank you for reading and making it fun to write every night!

Goodbye for now! Much love!

Outhouses and Briefs

In recent local news there was a man who was caught climbing into outhouses and watching people relieve themselves. So, when you think about it, Jasam's very hot and very public makeout sesh is not THAT embarrassing. What IS embarrassing is that an 11 year old feels they have to explain to you the meaning of the word "chivalry".

Lessons learned...
1. Everything is relative.
2. Sometimes The Breakdown is brief.
3. Sometimes The Breakdown wishes Jason was always wearing briefs.
4. Just briefs.


Big SHOUT OUT to all my readers from...
Dominoes & Tequila
The Road to Nowhere
The Liason Haven
Monaco & McCall
ABC GH Forum
GH Fan Forum
LiveJournal
Twitter
Facebook

Don't forget to click on the banner on the bottom right of the page to help raise money for To Write Love On Her Arms. Much love.

Slap! Crackle! Pop!

Defense mechanisms are a funny thing. Some people live in denial (Cough*Kristina*Cough), some people rationalize bad behavior (Um, Rebecca?... What?! I got the short end of the twin stick!), and some people leave their injured children alone in the hospital, seek out inappropriate sexual partners, and accept unwanted proposals in order to avoid the stress of having a hospitalized child, inappropriate feelings, and unwanted proposals (insert Elizabeth's name here).

Of course there are other defense mechanisms that are less psychological in nature and slightly more physical. Take the "slap in the face" for instance. Sometimes words just aren't enough to express your distaste in being called your brother's lover... Nor, to express your distaste in your brother's actual lover. However, when using this defense tactic beware of the counter-defense which quite often manifests itself in the form of a "fist in the face". (fine print: The risk of a counter-attack increases when slapping feisty cougars from Bensonhurst. Slapping can sometimes result in redness of the palm, and next-day wrist fatigue. If redness lasts for more than 4 hours you should consult your physician. No, not to thank him. If you are not satisfied with your slapping experience, spitting at the antogonists feet while walking away is recommended.)

Today's Most Valuable Actor (MVA) goes to...... Sarah Joy Brown playing the role of Claudia Zaccara. Wow, this is so unexpected! I just want to thank the fans and... Kanye West? What are you.... I just want to say that Lisa LoCicero gave the best performance of all time!....... SLAP!!!

Lessons learned...
1. It's okay to punch people who slap you.
2. It's okay to slap people who say you are your brother's lover.
3. It's okay to slap Kanye West.


Don't forget to click on the banner on the bottom right of the page to help raise money for To Write Love On Her Arms. Much love.

Mistress Mercy

I'm so proud of the person Rebecca has become. I certainly can't say that I would have chosen Edward over Nikolas or Ethan. Hats off to you, Almost Emily. To bad the only way Elizabeth can work up the courage to tell Lucky she no longer feels a spark for him is to start a fire with his brother/your main squeeze-doodle. Yes, I'm fairly certain it is consentual. Yes, you can keep your red dress. No, I wouldn't recommend it.

What a great day! Rebecca gets to keep her dress... Dante gets to keep his kidneys... Olivia gets to keep her secret... and Jason makes a joke! Ah yes, these are the days of our lives. Wait. I mean General Hospital. Uhhhhh, Mercy Hospital!? Seriously, what the blazes is this. JohnSpin is cheating on General Hospital?! And it's not like he just kind of cheated with a small check up. He had surgery! I hope you are really happy together.

Lesson's learned...
1. It's better to keep your kidneys than to not.
2. The term "main squeeze-doodle" is grossly under-valued
3. If you have surgery with another hospital you are a dirty little cheater.

I Feel Awkward

Today we are going to discuss things that are awkward...

It's always awkward when a guy proposes to you right after you finished making out with his brother. Trust me. It happened to my friend's brother's ex-girlfriend's hairdresser so I practically have first hand experience.

When you tell your almost girlfriend that you are concerned that your ex-girlfriend is kissing some dude... that's awkward. When your almost girlfriend is concerned for how this is going to effect her ex-boyfriend... the awkwardness continues.

It's awkward when you are shot by your dad's hitmen and 3 and a half years later you still haven't been treated. Jason? Mexico? Deja vu?

If your boyfriend buys you a cell phone exclusively for use as a couple and then tells you it is so he can stalk you and remove all excuses for you to not answer him right away and then puts you in a death grip... it's okay to feel awkward. Encouraged even.

Sometimes it's awkward when you continue having black & white flashbacks of your step-parents confessing to destroying a year of your life. This also happened to the hairdresser. I think she is going to be on Oprah soon. Seriously. Not really.

Peace.

Secret Tellers Anonymous

So because Steve Burton is seriously rad, won the "most smokin' man" poll, and most importantly thanked me on Twitter for making him the Actor Du Jour yesterday... he is going to be the Actor Du Jour again. For real, he seems like a pretty down to earth dude... check him out on Twitter @1SteveBurton.

It looks like Dante's organ has been compromised. Ugh, you are such children. His kidney! Doc says we are going to need a transplant. If only he had any immediate relatives who could contribute. See! This is exactly what happens when you have a secret mom who hides your secret father who you are secretly trying to imprison. Fortunately this lie is about to come to an end if not because Olivia finally tells Sonny, than because she can't possibly speak quietly or survey for eavesdroppers whenever she discusses the truth in detail with people who already know everything.

It becomes clear that Olivia & Liz went to the same School of Secret-Keeping when Liz publicly makes out with Nikolas after making it clear that Lucky could never find out about them. Liz, now 'member what we talked about? Making out doesn't make people invisible. Atta girl!

Edward wakes up in the middle of a drunk driving investigation, but Robin "I'm a detective, but not really" Scorpio has already discovered that Andrea poisoned him after seemingly every character in the show asks the question, "How could he have a heart attack? He was so healthy!" Kids, this is an example of a run-on sentence that your grammar teacher warned you about. Don't try this at school.

Lessons learned...
1. Steve Burton is the man!
2. Secret keeping is easy if you don't make out with guys named Nikolas.
3. Next time you are accused of drunk driving there is a good chance you have been poisoned.

The Deadly Platypi

You know the expression "crash the party"? Today, Edward plays the guy that doesn't understand expressions and takes them literally. In the process he wreaks havoc at the carnival and kills Andrea. It's like raaaahain on your wedding day, it's a free riiiihide when you already paid, it's getting run ooooooover by a dude because he had a heart attack while driving because you poisoned him, and who would've thought it figurrrrs! Walk toward the light, Andrea. Edward, Jake, Dante, Johnny, even you Kristina... don't follow Andrea. Did anyone else notice Keiffer wasn't around? Wishful thinking?

Jake gets buried underneath a pile of stuffed platypus' and his 3 parents and Sam dig him out. It appears the bill of one of the platypus' may have fractured his skull. The jury is still out. Steve Burton kills it in this episode. I may be biased because, well, he's Steve Burton.

Dante gets hit saving Morgan and is critically injured. Olivia is overly concerned for someone who has supposedly met him twice. Sonny just knows it's because he reminds her of her son. Well, they do have the same skin tone... hair color... birth date... gene pool... you know what... he DOES remind me of Dante. Dominic Zamprogna also kills it in this episode. Good job, men!

Speaking of men I'm proud of. Sonny seems to be fulfilling his promise to Kristina that he would be there for her more by sitting at the hospital with Dominic while she lies buried underneath that ride with the crazy harnesses. Sonny, you DON'T know he's your son yet, remember? You DO know that Kristina is your daughter though. I'm gonna give you a second to mull it over.

Lessons learned...
1. Expressions are more fun when taken literally.
2. Stuffed platypus' are not toys.
3. The actual plural of "platypus" is unclear to me.

Thanks to everyone for reading. For real... it's cool.

Good News, Bad News

Alright peeps. The good news is that I just closed on my first house this afternoon. Eeeee! You may congratulate me at your leisure. The bad news is that I just closed on my first house this afternoon. Eeeeek! This being said the theme for today's recap is "good news, bad news".

The good news is Spinelli's clown makeup was removed with kiss slobber. The bad news is that Spinelli's clown makeup actually wasn't permanent.

The good news is Nikolas admits to Ethan that he is about to dump Rebecca. The bad news is nobody cares.

The good news is Sonny finally runs into Olivia and they get a chance to make us root for them. The bad news is that he literally runs into Olivia and popcorn is sacrificed.

The good news is Jason and Sam make it to the carnival. The bad news is that he is still wearing a black t-shirt. Maybe his wardrobe ended up on the recession chopping block with Olivia's bedroom.

The good news is Dante is about to go by the name Dante. There is no bad news.

The bad news is anything that the psychic says. There is no good news.

The good news is that Dante wins Lulu a platypus and thinks it's a duck. The better news is that Johnny shows up and says, "nice beaver".

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I Got Nothin'

It's really hard to make light of an episode that is pretty light on it's own. Drama is my job security people! I'd rather laugh and have fun, but still... what on earth am I supposed to write about! I mean, I can't make fun of Dunk-a-Hunk. A wet t-shirt contest between the hottest men of GH? Can I get that in a calendar or something? I certainly can't make fun of the DiaMax scenes. That was the best thing I've seen since Speidi Pratt somehow became famous. Max used the phrase "love puppet" for crying out loud. I can't work with this! Watching Spinelli scream at his own reflection, imagining what it would be like if Jason's name was Frank, cringing at the thought of Edward anywhere near that red negligee. I have nothing to contribute here.

I guess I'll see if I can pick up a few extra shifts at the Pigly Wigly.


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Barbies & Nunchucks

Anyone who knows me would tell you that growing up I was basically a boy trapped in a girls body. I didn’t do hair, I didn’t play dress up, and don’t even get me started on the color pink. The closest thing I had to dolls were my Ninja Turtle action figures. Unlike Barbie’s that only allow you to change their clothes, with these I could actually change their weapons! My weapon of choice... nunchucks. I guess that's the difference between me and Nikolas. I want revenge... I break you with nunchucks. He wants revenge... he dresses you up like a Barbie doll. To each his own.

Off to the MetroCourt Carnival Kick-off Party which is actually just an excuse for the adults to get drunk before spending the day at a carnival under the guise of a fundraiser. Brilliant! You know, for years I've been trying desperately to find a common thread between Edward Quartermaine and Kanye West and today it became clear. Gold-diggers. Now, I ain't saying she a gold-digger, but sh... wait... yes I am. While Deirdre the Gold-digger is after Edward's money, Andrea the Wicked is after his good health. Uh oh, Deirdre. Looks like you are about to be accused of murder. What do you mean why? Because you have the more obvious motive! Wow. Okay. Let me explain to you what a gold-digger is.

In other news, Spinelli dresses up like a clown to face his fears. That settles it, I'm gonna have to dress up like Ray Liotta. Dominante continues his relentless pursuit of Lulu. The apple doesn't fall far from the Godfather. Kristina makes out with Keiffer. Bleck. Jason tries to make out with Sam. Knock knock. Doh!

Lessons learned...
1. Nikolas and I are exactly the same with the exception of our revenge tactics.
2. Edward and Kanye are exactly the same with the exception of everything... except gold-diggers.
3. Dressing like your fears is the same as facing them. But. How do you dress like heights?

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Danny Tanner Corinthos

It's official. I can now add ferris wheels, clowns, and merry-go-rounds to my list of things that give me the willies... and I have no idea how to spell the word willies. Already on that list... spiders, hairless men, and Ray Liotta. Aaaaaanyway, we are mere hours away from the much anticipated start of... (read: suspense) the CARNIVAL! Dun dun dun! They've totally sucked me into those promos. Who's going to die? Does it involve the ferris wheel? And, most importantly, is Jason still wearing that black t-shirt?

Speaking of J-Mo, today he agreed to be Spinelli's best man sans the pink tie. Okay dude, but you're NOT wearing that black t-shirt. Ok. I'm letting it go now. While the Joey & Chandler of daytime are having their "I love you, man" moment, Sonny and Kristina are having a Full House moment... if Danny Tanner had been a mobster. There's an image. Kristina does a pretty good job showing remorse when she knows it's expected, but now that her parents have decided that "it's not that big of a deal that you killed somebody while driving without a license after getting into a fight with a rage-aholic boyfriend" she has now developed a gaping hole in her moral fiber. Dr. Phil would have a field day with you people.

Back at Olivia's seemingly 0 Bedroom apartment she and Johnny are doing their part to fulfill the soap opera sex quota. It was romantic until she started tugging on his chest hairs. Willies! It actually made me wish he was hairless! Check out what Lisa Locicero (Olivia) said about it on Twitter! Priceless!

Dante stops by and tells Michael that Sonny has appointed him as he and Morgan's new bodyguard. Michael is not psyched so Morgan tries to convince him he is trustworthy because he is a Yankee fan. OOOOOOH! He's a Yankee fan?! Why didn't anybody say so?! Well, get over here, dude, give me a hug! We're gonna be the next best man couple since JaSpin!

Lesson's learned...
1. I am now afraid of almost everything.
2. Olivia's bedroom stage was part of the GH recession cutbacks.
3. Picturing Bob Saget as a mobster is fun.
3.5 It's really not.

Boy Bands & Mullets

As a follow up to our last parenting lesson... Swimming and Lightning Don't Mix by Liz, Lucky, & Nikolas, today we are going to learn best practices in discipline. In preparation for this lesson please equip yourself with a broom and a rug. Now, everytime your child does something wrong, write it down on a piece of paper, and then sweep it under the rug (don't make them do it, they've been through enough). This will ensure that they repeat the behavior since absolutely nothing has been accomplished. And THAT my friends is how you discipline your children. For more on parenting, my book How To Avoid Talking To Your Kids About Sex is now available on Amazon.com.

While Kristina is getting away with involuntary manslaughter for less punishment than I received when I stole my older sister's New Kids On The Block poster and gave each of them permanant marker mullets... Sam appears to be the only person ready to break out the wooden spoon. Oh relax. I got spanked and I turned out alright. Mullet drawing and soap blogging aside.

I don't read spoilers so you'll have to forgive me for still not knowing if Claudia is going to repeatedly shoot Kristina with a taser or if she is going to let it go and simply project her vengeance onto Carly and her new baby. The former sounds more entertaining, but I have a "soap opera feeling" that it will be the latter. In the meantime, Jason still suspects her of being responsible for Michael's shooting and Michael is starting to remember Jax apologizing to him while he was in a coma for letting things happen the way they did. I am now in a coma after writing that sentence.

Lessons learned...
1. It is always simpler to steal someone's baby than to tase someone repeatedly
2. Avoidance = discipline
3. Kids who are spanked are more likely to draw mullets on boy band posters than kids who are not.
4. Jason and Sam's love extends beyond dirty clothes... apparently.

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