First and foremost, congrats to Julie Berman on winning the Emmy for Outstanding Younger Actress and the masterminds behind the scenes for winning the Emmy for Outstanding Writing. Very well deserved, everyone! Cheers!
There comes a time in every post-coma, pubescent man's life when he has to decide between a promising jetski rental career in Mexico or returning home to lead the life of a privileged mob baby. Jetski rental or mob baby, huh. I wonder what roles they are casting for on All My Children? In times like these all an identity starved adolescent needs to know is that they weren't responsible for causing the accident that killed their unborn baby brother. Oh. Really?! Fiiiine, I'll be a mob baby, but I'll need a babysitter since 4 parents and Jason isn't enough. You know, someone who can be a big brother figure, preferably an undercover cop posing as one of my dad's thugs. Done and done. Let's go home.
Back in Port Chuck, Keiffer is laying the ground work for his master plan to blackmail "K" into having sex (call it a guess). Dude, you are physically abusive! You don't need blackmail to control your woman! Apparently Alexis' poor judgement in men extends beyond her own love life. Hey Alexis, you see those red pointy things sprouting out of his head that look like horns? Those are horns! And his t-shirt that says "I hit on girls" is not a declaration of his sexual orientation! Pretty please let him be the one to go at the carnival (creepy music plays).
Lessons learned...
1. If you are a good actress you win stuff.
2. Blackmail is unnecessary if you are abusive.
3. The word "carnival" will now forever have a creepy connotation
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It's always been my dream to get into a legit fight just to see if I could win. I'm kind of a tomboy. A tomboy that likes soaps. I know. I don't get me either. Anyway, my fight dream now involves Keiffer and Shirtless Moron who somehow managed to obtain a girlfriend and rent a jetski with only a first grade level vocabulary at his disposal. Muy impressivo, Shirtless Moron. Now, before you punch me for stealing your Casio knock-off allow me to introduce you to my Uncle Jason... well, NOW he is my uncle. At first he was my father, but now my father is his boss because my real father died. I'm sorry, I can't tell if you are confused or if that is just the way your face is? In any case my uncle just pulled a gun on you so you should probably take your girlfriend and go sign up for the next available Hooked On Phonics class. Worked for me.
Now that the Corinthos kids have been found alive, all of the parents breathe a sigh of relief since they no longer have to feel bad about living their lives as if nothing has happened. Sonny tells Alexis that she should tell the truth about Kristina because it will come out eventually. I love a man of integrity. He then reminds Alexis that he is a professional criminal. Ooooo, so close. Claudia overhears them saying that Kristina is really the culprit after she gets back from sibling divorce court. I'm so glad Johnny isn't my brother. This way I can be attracted to him without imagining our kids turning out like Shirtless Moron.
Lessons learned...
1. Guns speak louder than words.
2. Even professional criminals insist on being honest.
3. If Johnny is your brother he is off-limits.
4. If you throw someone on a couch they will eventually throw you off it (courtesy of Max and Diane)
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Now that the Corinthos kids have been found alive, all of the parents breathe a sigh of relief since they no longer have to feel bad about living their lives as if nothing has happened. Sonny tells Alexis that she should tell the truth about Kristina because it will come out eventually. I love a man of integrity. He then reminds Alexis that he is a professional criminal. Ooooo, so close. Claudia overhears them saying that Kristina is really the culprit after she gets back from sibling divorce court. I'm so glad Johnny isn't my brother. This way I can be attracted to him without imagining our kids turning out like Shirtless Moron.
Lessons learned...
1. Guns speak louder than words.
2. Even professional criminals insist on being honest.
3. If Johnny is your brother he is off-limits.
4. If you throw someone on a couch they will eventually throw you off it (courtesy of Max and Diane)
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Once when I was a small child I, for some reason yet unknown to me, decided I should kiss a hot frying pan to see if it would burn me. It was the closest I ever came to looking like Angelina Jolie. The pain I felt at that moment can only be matched by the pain I feel when watching Spinelli and Maxie talk about their potential wedding. Maxie, I'm gonna need you to be more of a grown up about this and be honest about the fact that you are about as close to being married as the past 12 Bachelor/ette couples. Spinelli, I'm going to need you to be a little more intuitive and please oh please stop talking like Hamlet. I did find some relief in watching Maxie "I only want what I can't have" Jones try and seduce the abstinence out of Spinelli. He's caving... he's caaaaving... he's caaaaaaaaving... their kissing... Knock Knock. Who's there? The classic kissing scene interruption.
At GH, Scrub-a-dub is STILL trying to prove that Andrea Floyd is a murderer because... ... ... I forget why. Robin promises Patrick one more day to prove her case and if unsuccessful will hand it over to the professionals. Brake squeal!!! You're not a professional?! But, the right hand thing, and Patrick role-playing as the killer... that's textbook! They get Jax to buy into their theory that it was Colonel Mustard, in the Metrocourt, with the weird statue thing. I guess they aren't CLUEless after all. Oh come on! CLUEless! Like the board game! With the clues! You suck.
Speaking of people who suck, we got to see Keiffer today! Oh Keiffer, if only I was 10 years younger and masochistic. Ooop, that's all the time I have for you.
Lessons learned...
1. Looking like Angelina Jolie is not hard if you are stupid.
2. If you are one of the last 12 Bachelor/ettes you probably aren't married.
3. Robin ISN'T a professional detective. I know... I was bummed to.
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At GH, Scrub-a-dub is STILL trying to prove that Andrea Floyd is a murderer because... ... ... I forget why. Robin promises Patrick one more day to prove her case and if unsuccessful will hand it over to the professionals. Brake squeal!!! You're not a professional?! But, the right hand thing, and Patrick role-playing as the killer... that's textbook! They get Jax to buy into their theory that it was Colonel Mustard, in the Metrocourt, with the weird statue thing. I guess they aren't CLUEless after all. Oh come on! CLUEless! Like the board game! With the clues! You suck.
Speaking of people who suck, we got to see Keiffer today! Oh Keiffer, if only I was 10 years younger and masochistic. Ooop, that's all the time I have for you.
Lessons learned...
1. Looking like Angelina Jolie is not hard if you are stupid.
2. If you are one of the last 12 Bachelor/ettes you probably aren't married.
3. Robin ISN'T a professional detective. I know... I was bummed to.
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Have you ever wondered what the Mexican version of yourself is like (if you aren't Mexican already)? Who doesn't?! Today Sam learns that her Mexican equivalent goes by the name Sylvia and has a tendency to call into radio stations and reveal to much about her love life. As Jason and Sam listen to "Love on the Border", against their will, they find out that they have a parallel life in Mexico. Love, cheat, hate, one night stand followed by silence. It's just like Sleepless in Seattle, except not. Unlike Meg Ryan, instead of running into the pantry with the radio, Sam pulls over and beats the snot out of it. Crisis averted. But, wait, that's not all... if you call now we'll throw in a cuddly, sleepy scene followed by a little smoochie smooch in the SUV absolutely free! If that doesn't sell cars I don't know what will!
Meanwhile, Johnny and Olivia are trying to sell apartments. No? Not a good transition? Moving on. What we saw coming? Olivia wants to break up with Johnny. What we absolutely saw coming? Failure aaaaaand love scene.
Speaking of failed break-ups, Rebecca is ignoring her better judgement and trusting Nikolas even though he clearly wants to use her as part of his Saw XII audition tape. Back in the Bat Cave, Nik tells Alfred that she spit on Emily's grave and is going to have to pay to wipe it up. Why so serious?
While the couples who are "breaking up" continue to reap the benefits of a physical relationship, the couple who is engaged is strapping on the steel underwear. Or, at least Spinelli is. Maxie is slightly less enthused. I'm not sure why.
Lessons learned...
1. Breaking up + sex = not breaking up
2. We all have a Mexican twin
3. Spitting on graves is frowned upon
4. The new carnival promo doesn't get any less creepy the more you watch it.
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Meanwhile, Johnny and Olivia are trying to sell apartments. No? Not a good transition? Moving on. What we saw coming? Olivia wants to break up with Johnny. What we absolutely saw coming? Failure aaaaaand love scene.
Speaking of failed break-ups, Rebecca is ignoring her better judgement and trusting Nikolas even though he clearly wants to use her as part of his Saw XII audition tape. Back in the Bat Cave, Nik tells Alfred that she spit on Emily's grave and is going to have to pay to wipe it up. Why so serious?
While the couples who are "breaking up" continue to reap the benefits of a physical relationship, the couple who is engaged is strapping on the steel underwear. Or, at least Spinelli is. Maxie is slightly less enthused. I'm not sure why.
Lessons learned...
1. Breaking up + sex = not breaking up
2. We all have a Mexican twin
3. Spitting on graves is frowned upon
4. The new carnival promo doesn't get any less creepy the more you watch it.
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Okay, I'm back. Sorry about yesterday, duty called. If only real life jobs required as little effort as soap opera character jobs.
Today, the Jasam scenes went from really intense to really awkward in about the time it takes Nikolas to rebound chicks. Sam interrupts the "after-cuddle" with an abrupt decision to go fix the car. Hmmm... snuggle with Jason or fix a car? Snuggle? Or, fix? Snuggle? Fix? If only there was an obvious answer!!! When she gets back Jason is all dressed (see what you did, Sam!) and ready to go find Michael. NOW you want to go find Michael?! Of course, Sam wants to make sure that he is ready physically. Not that anything is wrong with you physically? I mean, there's the gunshot wounds, but that's it. Everything else is working okay and everything. I didn't mean... you know... I'm gonna stop talking now. She then adorably taps him on the back and reminds him, as if he forgot, that they just had sex and asks if they should talk about it? Jason's negative response was the equivalent of handing her 50 bucks for her time. Today, I LOVED Jason and I HATED Jason.
Now that Jason is finally ready to find the kids... oh yah, THAT's why their in Mexico... Kristina is ready to go home cause she suddenly misses Keiffer and the thrill of an abusive relationship. Michael does a good job in communicating, on behalf of all of us, that she is crazy. 'Preciate it, Mike.
In other and almost as ridiculous news, Nikolas has decided after 48 hours of making out with another girl that it is time to forgive Rebecca. Even Rebecca is surprised. Um... so the other day when you said you were going to kill me and feed me to Alfred... was that by accident? Yes. Now come over tonight so I can finish with you what I keep starting with Elizabeth. Okay! Before she heads over to Wyndemere for the least subtle booty-call of all time, Ethan stops by to apologize and thinks he somehow might have a shot now that Nikolas knows the truth. What?! He forgave you? But you are such a selfish, manipulative, lying piece of an Emily look-a-like! What is he thinking?!! But, seriously, baby, how 'bout another shot. When Rebecca finally makes her way over to the castle Nikolas appears to have been abducted by his deviant personality. Rebecca, I'm afraid that part of Nikolas' "i must achieve Emily-closure" plan probably requires getting rid of anyone who looks and sounds exactly like her. Just speculating. Good luck with the wine.
Lessons learned...
1. Looking like Emily is not a good idea.
2. Sometimes there is only one lesson learned.
Stay cool.
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Today, the Jasam scenes went from really intense to really awkward in about the time it takes Nikolas to rebound chicks. Sam interrupts the "after-cuddle" with an abrupt decision to go fix the car. Hmmm... snuggle with Jason or fix a car? Snuggle? Or, fix? Snuggle? Fix? If only there was an obvious answer!!! When she gets back Jason is all dressed (see what you did, Sam!) and ready to go find Michael. NOW you want to go find Michael?! Of course, Sam wants to make sure that he is ready physically. Not that anything is wrong with you physically? I mean, there's the gunshot wounds, but that's it. Everything else is working okay and everything. I didn't mean... you know... I'm gonna stop talking now. She then adorably taps him on the back and reminds him, as if he forgot, that they just had sex and asks if they should talk about it? Jason's negative response was the equivalent of handing her 50 bucks for her time. Today, I LOVED Jason and I HATED Jason.
Now that Jason is finally ready to find the kids... oh yah, THAT's why their in Mexico... Kristina is ready to go home cause she suddenly misses Keiffer and the thrill of an abusive relationship. Michael does a good job in communicating, on behalf of all of us, that she is crazy. 'Preciate it, Mike.
In other and almost as ridiculous news, Nikolas has decided after 48 hours of making out with another girl that it is time to forgive Rebecca. Even Rebecca is surprised. Um... so the other day when you said you were going to kill me and feed me to Alfred... was that by accident? Yes. Now come over tonight so I can finish with you what I keep starting with Elizabeth. Okay! Before she heads over to Wyndemere for the least subtle booty-call of all time, Ethan stops by to apologize and thinks he somehow might have a shot now that Nikolas knows the truth. What?! He forgave you? But you are such a selfish, manipulative, lying piece of an Emily look-a-like! What is he thinking?!! But, seriously, baby, how 'bout another shot. When Rebecca finally makes her way over to the castle Nikolas appears to have been abducted by his deviant personality. Rebecca, I'm afraid that part of Nikolas' "i must achieve Emily-closure" plan probably requires getting rid of anyone who looks and sounds exactly like her. Just speculating. Good luck with the wine.
Lessons learned...
1. Looking like Emily is not a good idea.
2. Sometimes there is only one lesson learned.
Stay cool.
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I'm not sure how entertaining today's recap is going to be for a couple reasons... a. I just got back from an all day client meeting/dinner so it is late, I am exhausted, and I'm out of RingDings... b. I can't really think straight right now after watching the final Jasam scene. Yowza! Little sponge-bath from Steve Burton... no big deal. For that, he wins the highly coveted Actor Du Jour selection. My favorite part of this scene however, is that they have decided after 6 years that it might be time for this couple to have a new theme song. Baaaabaaaay, it's just about time, we've gotta get a new song...
Yep. It's official. I have been drained of any and all creativity. In a nutshell...
Nikolas kisses Elizabeth AGAIN. Elizabeth stops him AGAIN, but only after 10 or so seconds of indulgence. Cut to Nikolas "I can never be without a woman" Cassadine apologizing to Rebecca and hoping to start over. Isn't that her line?
Claudia wants to have another baby now that, in a shocking turn of events, Sonny doesn't want to get divorced. Her argument is that she would be the first woman he could have a "mob baby" with. Why don't you just... That kid is going to be... I can't believe... there are so many directions I could go here that it is actually stunting me.
Alright, I am now half asleep and I have no idea what I just wrote. Sweet dreams.
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Yep. It's official. I have been drained of any and all creativity. In a nutshell...
Nikolas kisses Elizabeth AGAIN. Elizabeth stops him AGAIN, but only after 10 or so seconds of indulgence. Cut to Nikolas "I can never be without a woman" Cassadine apologizing to Rebecca and hoping to start over. Isn't that her line?
Claudia wants to have another baby now that, in a shocking turn of events, Sonny doesn't want to get divorced. Her argument is that she would be the first woman he could have a "mob baby" with. Why don't you just... That kid is going to be... I can't believe... there are so many directions I could go here that it is actually stunting me.
Alright, I am now half asleep and I have no idea what I just wrote. Sweet dreams.
Help keep The Breakdown alive...
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Remember when you were a kid playing with the razorblades and broken glass your parents got you for your birthday... and the special times during a thunderstorm when the grown ups would sit around and drink beer while you played in the pool. Those were the best! Well, today GH took us for a nice trip down memory lane as we all watched intently to see if Cam, Jake, and Spencer would survive the picnic. We went 0 for 3 for parents who had enough common sense to properly evaluate the situation. We should have seen this coming when Nikolas showed up to a barbecue in business attire. At least he knows enough to know that he is not a great parent. Don't worry, I'm sure Liz will soon help you father your second child whose half-brothers will also be it's cousins. Confusing I know.
Speaking of not parenting, Sonny finds Claudia sitting in a baby blue rocker that was meant for their son. Though Sonny is the voice of reason he could stand to undergo some sensitivity training. However, what he lacks in sensitivity he makes up for with heartwarming stories about trains. Choo Chooooo! For the first time since... forever... Slaudia has a civil, dare I say loving, conversation. And, hey, it's always a good day when you are surprised that your husband doesn't want to divorce you.
In Mexico, Jason's fever might have broken, but Jasam is getting warmer! Ba dom bom chhhhhhhh
Lessons learned...
1. Don't let Liz, Lucky, or Nikolas watch your kids.
2. Just because your husband hits on other women and hopes you're not carrying his baby doesn't mean that he wants to divorce you. Yay!
Have a great weekend! Tell someone you heart them!
Help keep The Breakdown alive...
Word of mouth is the only advertising I can afford (I'm a writer what did you expect?). Invite your friends, your GH communities, and your aunt who is a self-proclaimed cougar. You guys are my motivation!
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Speaking of not parenting, Sonny finds Claudia sitting in a baby blue rocker that was meant for their son. Though Sonny is the voice of reason he could stand to undergo some sensitivity training. However, what he lacks in sensitivity he makes up for with heartwarming stories about trains. Choo Chooooo! For the first time since... forever... Slaudia has a civil, dare I say loving, conversation. And, hey, it's always a good day when you are surprised that your husband doesn't want to divorce you.
In Mexico, Jason's fever might have broken, but Jasam is getting warmer! Ba dom bom chhhhhhhh
Lessons learned...
1. Don't let Liz, Lucky, or Nikolas watch your kids.
2. Just because your husband hits on other women and hopes you're not carrying his baby doesn't mean that he wants to divorce you. Yay!
Have a great weekend! Tell someone you heart them!
Help keep The Breakdown alive...
Word of mouth is the only advertising I can afford (I'm a writer what did you expect?). Invite your friends, your GH communities, and your aunt who is a self-proclaimed cougar. You guys are my motivation!
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I glued my hand to my head once. Only it wasn't glue and it wasn't my head, so I guess it's not really the same thing. Today Lulu comes in (wearing the cutest dress ever!) holding her head like Jason holds his clavicle. Yep, it's the classic "I glued myself to something" storyline. It's one of those things that never gets old, like fart jokes, or Alex Trebec. Scrubs assumes that she has hit her head... OR did someone hit her IN the head? With their right hand? Where exactly was Andrea Floyd around 10ish? When Lulu says she wasn't hit Matt deduces that she glued her hand to her head. He must have gone to the same detective school as Robin! Dante shows up at the hospital to see Lulu, and I can't remember the last time he wasn't wearing that shirt. Dante askes if her hand is falling asleep and she assures him that NOTHING is tingly. Oh crap! That sounded like I was talking about something else. Quick change the subject. Runaway. Pretend Matt is your boyfriend. Phew. That was awkward. Hey! My hand actually is falling asleep! Haha.
Elsewhere in GH, Elizabeth calls Nikolas saying the kiss was a mistake and it shouldn't happen again which is code for, "If I could guarantee that Lucky would never find out I'd be having my way with you right now." Lucky "I'm only a little smarter than I look" Spencer wants Liz to spend as much time as possible with Nikolas cause he needs a friend. Oh, he needs a friend alright! Elizabeth, didn't you see Legends of the Fall?! There is talk of re-releasing it in Uzbekistan under the new title Brother-hopping Will Make You Kill Yourself.
Last, but certainly not first, Jax overhears Kate letting the cat out of the bag. No, not a real cat. It's an expression. No... it's... you... THERE IS NO BAG! Now not only does Jax know that Dominic is actually Dante, but he also knows that he is an undercover cop fathered by his primary target... Sonny "I use Lulu's glue as my hair gel" Corinthoes.
Lessons learned...
1. Hand + glue + hair = hot guy hits on you in a hospital - OR - Sonny hair
2. Expressions are not meant to be taken literally
3. Being last is not first.
In closing, I'd like to give a very special shout out to whoever it was on the GH messageboard on ABC.com for posting the topic Ice cream makes me fart. See! It doesn't get old!
See you tomorrow! Much love!
Help keep The Breakdown alive...
Word of mouth is the only advertising I can afford (I'm a writer what did you expect?). Invite your friends, your GH communities, and your aunt who is a self-proclaimed cougar. You guys are my motivation!
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Elsewhere in GH, Elizabeth calls Nikolas saying the kiss was a mistake and it shouldn't happen again which is code for, "If I could guarantee that Lucky would never find out I'd be having my way with you right now." Lucky "I'm only a little smarter than I look" Spencer wants Liz to spend as much time as possible with Nikolas cause he needs a friend. Oh, he needs a friend alright! Elizabeth, didn't you see Legends of the Fall?! There is talk of re-releasing it in Uzbekistan under the new title Brother-hopping Will Make You Kill Yourself.
Last, but certainly not first, Jax overhears Kate letting the cat out of the bag. No, not a real cat. It's an expression. No... it's... you... THERE IS NO BAG! Now not only does Jax know that Dominic is actually Dante, but he also knows that he is an undercover cop fathered by his primary target... Sonny "I use Lulu's glue as my hair gel" Corinthoes.
Lessons learned...
1. Hand + glue + hair = hot guy hits on you in a hospital - OR - Sonny hair
2. Expressions are not meant to be taken literally
3. Being last is not first.
In closing, I'd like to give a very special shout out to whoever it was on the GH messageboard on ABC.com for posting the topic Ice cream makes me fart. See! It doesn't get old!
See you tomorrow! Much love!
Help keep The Breakdown alive...
Word of mouth is the only advertising I can afford (I'm a writer what did you expect?). Invite your friends, your GH communities, and your aunt who is a self-proclaimed cougar. You guys are my motivation!
Follow The Breakdown on Twitter @GHTheBreakdown
Follow this blogspot by clicking on the button to your right. No, your other right. There you go.
How do you solve a problem like Mariiii... I mean Rooobiiiinn? How do you catch a killer in Port Charles? How do you make your husband play a womaaaaaan? How do you know the killeeeer's strong haaaaaand?!!! If you don't understand anything I just "sang" (I was singing it to myself by the way), I need you to get up immediately and run, don't walk, to the nearest retailer and buy The Sound of Music. So. Robin continues to astound with her super-sleuth tactics. I didn't think that she could possibly have any genuis left after coming up with the whole "let's throw keys at people and see which hand they catch them in" extravaganza. But, now... having your husband role play as the murderer in your groundless hypothesis of how it all played out. GENIUS!!! I wasn't buying it until Patrick gave a very memorable performance as Andrea Floyd. Now I'm convinced! Book 'em, Dano.
Speaking of Dano, not really. CarJax invites Spinelli over to track down Michael and Kristina through the email they sent. Mr. Predictable eventually starts babbling about his pending marraige and somehow thinks that Jax and Carly are marriage experts since they have been married 12 times between them. I'm gonna let you think about that for a little longer, Spin. Take your time. Sonny and Alexis show up and JaxSon fights over who is going to get the kids once Spin locates them. Even Spinelli understands that Sonny will inevitably win that argument so he pretends that he can't find the kids. The best part is that after he says "I failed" Sonny says, "Whatever that means, you better not be telling me you can't find those kids." I'm sorry, Sonny, I tried to find a less complex term for "failed" but I don't think that one exists.
In Vera Cruz, Jerry knows that Jason is alive and finds his secret hideout. The suspense builds as Jason's blood drips from the ceiling crawl space where he and Sam are hiding. Yep, he's STILL bleeding. Whatev. Sam is concerned that his wounds might get infected from crawling around. He reminds her that he made her a promise which means he is invincible even against infection. Five minutes later he tells her that he is going to get worse until he dies. Brake squeal! You're dying?!!!! This is so unexpected! Yes, but "I'm not afraid, I just don't want to leave you." Ah crap, I can't make jokes at a time like this! Jason's tears are my kryptonite! Later they exchange I love you's. If you listen closely you can hear thousands of Liason fans throwing up in their mouths.
As always, be sure to look both ways before you play with matches.
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Speaking of Dano, not really. CarJax invites Spinelli over to track down Michael and Kristina through the email they sent. Mr. Predictable eventually starts babbling about his pending marraige and somehow thinks that Jax and Carly are marriage experts since they have been married 12 times between them. I'm gonna let you think about that for a little longer, Spin. Take your time. Sonny and Alexis show up and JaxSon fights over who is going to get the kids once Spin locates them. Even Spinelli understands that Sonny will inevitably win that argument so he pretends that he can't find the kids. The best part is that after he says "I failed" Sonny says, "Whatever that means, you better not be telling me you can't find those kids." I'm sorry, Sonny, I tried to find a less complex term for "failed" but I don't think that one exists.
In Vera Cruz, Jerry knows that Jason is alive and finds his secret hideout. The suspense builds as Jason's blood drips from the ceiling crawl space where he and Sam are hiding. Yep, he's STILL bleeding. Whatev. Sam is concerned that his wounds might get infected from crawling around. He reminds her that he made her a promise which means he is invincible even against infection. Five minutes later he tells her that he is going to get worse until he dies. Brake squeal! You're dying?!!!! This is so unexpected! Yes, but "I'm not afraid, I just don't want to leave you." Ah crap, I can't make jokes at a time like this! Jason's tears are my kryptonite! Later they exchange I love you's. If you listen closely you can hear thousands of Liason fans throwing up in their mouths.
As always, be sure to look both ways before you play with matches.
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When I was young and fell off my bike, I can't quite remember all the details, but I'm pretty sure I got a band-aid because touching it with my fingers didn't really do much good. Now, I've never been shot, but I'm pretty sure the same rules apply. Fortunately, Jason lives in a soap opera so he can ignore these rules for days on end and still survive. Plus, Sam made him promise not to die, so we all know he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Apparently promises are the key to Jason's own immortality. For some reason, they randomly start talking about Sam's undercover experience at the strip club. Jason and I both fell asleep half way through the story. We did wake, however, for the happy ending which was that her investigation had a happy ending. The moral of the story is that it's hard to find a man that loves his wife and isn't cheating on her. Aw, that's cute... I think?
In Port Charles, poor Rebecca is trying to blame her poor choices on poor Lucky. She loses and finds that a bar is a convenient place to be when you lose the love of your life, you are 10K in the hole, and you become homeless all in one day. Dominic joins her after telling Sonny that he is "delusional" if he thinks that Olivia wants him and reminds him that he is married. Clearly his old fashioned sensibilities only come into play as it relates to his mother since it takes him approximately one minute to meet a perfect stranger (Rebecca), drop some cheesy lines, and take her home. Maybe he just wanted to play Scattegories.
At the Castillo de Cassadine, Liz is trying to fix Nikolas and convince him to move on from Emily. Maybe with someone in a ruffly yellow top... lite brown hair... close proximity... name starts with Elizabeth... ME Nikolas!!! You know, now that you mention it, I only ever forget Emily when I am with you, I mean yah I'm drunk every time, but I don't think that is the reason. Wanna make out?
Honorable mentions...
1. Michael gets some lip action
2. Carjax, Alexis, and Sonny are starting to get really concerned that their kids have been missing for weeks
2. Michael and Kristina find a PDA and email their parents
Valuable lessons learned...
1. Don't stick your fingers in your bullet-wounds
2. It's hard to find a man that doesn't cheat
In Port Charles, poor Rebecca is trying to blame her poor choices on poor Lucky. She loses and finds that a bar is a convenient place to be when you lose the love of your life, you are 10K in the hole, and you become homeless all in one day. Dominic joins her after telling Sonny that he is "delusional" if he thinks that Olivia wants him and reminds him that he is married. Clearly his old fashioned sensibilities only come into play as it relates to his mother since it takes him approximately one minute to meet a perfect stranger (Rebecca), drop some cheesy lines, and take her home. Maybe he just wanted to play Scattegories.
At the Castillo de Cassadine, Liz is trying to fix Nikolas and convince him to move on from Emily. Maybe with someone in a ruffly yellow top... lite brown hair... close proximity... name starts with Elizabeth... ME Nikolas!!! You know, now that you mention it, I only ever forget Emily when I am with you, I mean yah I'm drunk every time, but I don't think that is the reason. Wanna make out?
Honorable mentions...
1. Michael gets some lip action
2. Carjax, Alexis, and Sonny are starting to get really concerned that their kids have been missing for weeks
2. Michael and Kristina find a PDA and email their parents
Valuable lessons learned...
1. Don't stick your fingers in your bullet-wounds
2. It's hard to find a man that doesn't cheat
So, you know when you've been shot in the clavicle and have been bleeding for 24 hours straight and then somebody finally finds you and you rush to the hospital so you don't die. Okay. Just making sure.
Sam finds Jason at the church lying in a deathbed of debris and since he doesn't have a fever yet the assumption is that he'll be fine. She finds a room for him to recover in, and by recover I mean leave wounds unattended and drink brandy (Liason fans are going to be all over this). It's okay though, cause all Jason really needs is a little conversation... oh, and take the bullet out of my leg. Her first surgery is a success and in the meantime she tells him the all too anti-climactic story of what happened with Michael, Kristina, Jerry, and Pedro Ginormous who we now know is a drug dealer. I couldn't quite tell if she was withholding information (that will inevitably become an issue in the future), but since it is a soap opera I suppose there's no point in hoping that it all played out exactly as she said. Finally, since this is one of the most anticipated reunions in soapdom, the writers give Jason a fever after all and the chills can only be cured by a Sam snuggle. Well played, Jason. Well played.
Back at Wyndemere, Rebecca is fearing for her life as Nicholas does an uncanny impersonation of Hannibal Lechter. Now, I don't think I want Nicholas to go over to the dark side yet, but, he would be dang good at it. He accuses her of being a... cover your ears... "whore" and then drops the Lechter act to mock Ethan's accent which was entertaining and if you think otherwise you are wrong. She tries to persuade him that her original plot was foiled by love and it actually works-ish. He kisses her and holds her and all is forgiven. Psych! How do YOU like it, Rebecca... if that is in fact your real name! Rebecca physically leaves and Nicholas mentally leaves as he attempts to drink his own body weight. He sits on a ledge and considers suicide, he goes inside and burglarizes his own place, and then he sits on a ledge and considers suicide. Liz comes and talks him down and they share an almost kiss. Ahhh, rebounding. Meanwhile, Rebecca comes clean to the Quartermaines and slaps Lucky in the face. I smell brother-swap!
Dante and Olivia continue their seemingly life-long argument over who has to move back to Brooklyn and bow out of Sonny's life. As always, both parties are unyielding and nothing is accomplished.
P.S. Sonny, if you like a girl, tell her you like her. Don't keep telling her how much she likes you.
That's it for today! Much love!
Follow The Breakdown on Twitter @GHTheBreakdown
Sam finds Jason at the church lying in a deathbed of debris and since he doesn't have a fever yet the assumption is that he'll be fine. She finds a room for him to recover in, and by recover I mean leave wounds unattended and drink brandy (Liason fans are going to be all over this). It's okay though, cause all Jason really needs is a little conversation... oh, and take the bullet out of my leg. Her first surgery is a success and in the meantime she tells him the all too anti-climactic story of what happened with Michael, Kristina, Jerry, and Pedro Ginormous who we now know is a drug dealer. I couldn't quite tell if she was withholding information (that will inevitably become an issue in the future), but since it is a soap opera I suppose there's no point in hoping that it all played out exactly as she said. Finally, since this is one of the most anticipated reunions in soapdom, the writers give Jason a fever after all and the chills can only be cured by a Sam snuggle. Well played, Jason. Well played.
Back at Wyndemere, Rebecca is fearing for her life as Nicholas does an uncanny impersonation of Hannibal Lechter. Now, I don't think I want Nicholas to go over to the dark side yet, but, he would be dang good at it. He accuses her of being a... cover your ears... "whore" and then drops the Lechter act to mock Ethan's accent which was entertaining and if you think otherwise you are wrong. She tries to persuade him that her original plot was foiled by love and it actually works-ish. He kisses her and holds her and all is forgiven. Psych! How do YOU like it, Rebecca... if that is in fact your real name! Rebecca physically leaves and Nicholas mentally leaves as he attempts to drink his own body weight. He sits on a ledge and considers suicide, he goes inside and burglarizes his own place, and then he sits on a ledge and considers suicide. Liz comes and talks him down and they share an almost kiss. Ahhh, rebounding. Meanwhile, Rebecca comes clean to the Quartermaines and slaps Lucky in the face. I smell brother-swap!
Dante and Olivia continue their seemingly life-long argument over who has to move back to Brooklyn and bow out of Sonny's life. As always, both parties are unyielding and nothing is accomplished.
P.S. Sonny, if you like a girl, tell her you like her. Don't keep telling her how much she likes you.
That's it for today! Much love!
Follow The Breakdown on Twitter @GHTheBreakdown
Let’s give a little refresher just in case this episode confused the poo out of anyone else. When we last saw Jason he was being shot in the clavicle (yes, the “clavicle”) by Jerry while crushed under seemingly immovable debris. We last saw Sam in Hef’s suite handcuffed to a chair when Pedro Ginormous walks in with clear evil intent. ‘Member? Good. So today Jason is exactly where we left him. He appears to be coming to and easily slides out from under the building that he was trying so hard to escape a couple days ago. He starts to hallucinate about Michael, Kristina, and Carly who all appear to represent his subconscious fear of being inadequate. Poor Jaseepoo! In all seriousness, for once, Steve Burton rocked these scenes. I think it’s hard to prove your acting ability with a character like Jason whose script is littered with Vin Dieselesque one liners, but I’m always impressed when he turns on the water works. Anyway, his final hallucination is of Sam and we wanted so badly for her to be real! She IS real?! What?! Shut the frick up! What about Hef & Pedro? We can see that she is now sporting the cuffs as a mob-couture bracelet… and… I… it’s… what the blazes happened?! Was Pedro a good guy? My brain hurts.
Moving on, Liz continues grilling Rebecca like the hamburger that she is. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Rebecca insists that she is in love with Nicholas not because he is moderately tall, dark, and handsome, but because he is “dark, troubled, and struggling.” Think Robert Downey Jr. in the 90’s. We can tell by Liz’s game face that she doesn’t want to believe her even though she does. Rebecca plans to tell Nicholas everything before they leave for Greece. You snooze you lose, Becks.
Since Nicholas already knows the happy news he is ready for the details… Like how long have Rebecca and Ethan known each other and were they lovers… In other words, do I need to get tested? Well, Nicholas… I’m gonna be straight with you, you’re probably carrying something. As soon as his rage reaches a boil, Rebecca shows up and after five minutes of the silent treatment feels the need to state the obvious, “Something’s wrong.”
Ding, ding, ding. Let’s see what she’s won, Rod! A trip to Atlantic City?!
Johnny confronts Olivia about the heated convo he overheard between her and Dominante. After she comes up with a half-decent explanation Johnny says, “Sounds a little like a mother yelling at her kids for playing in the street.” Hahaha, haha, oh, that’s a good one mister, hahaha, like a mother yelling at her kids, haha, where do you come up with this stuff, haha, ha, hum. Phew, that was a close one.
Meanwhile, Dominante is getting chewed out by Jax for getting near his family. Can’t really blame him after Morgan introduces him as the guy who kidnapped them in the woods. Oh! Come on in! Of course you can take my step-son to the game, and remind me later to give you the combination to our safe. Dominante handles it with grace and continues to score buku points with me.
Honorable mentions…
1. Michael and Kristina get jobs in Cancun doing practically nothing wearing practically nothing.
2. Olivia yells at Ronnie, Ronnie yells at Dante, Dante yells at Olivia (Ronnie is Dante’s partner… I mean, undercover partner… I mean, hetero police co-worker).
3. Michael gets asked out on his first date! Eeee!
4. Olivia gets asked out on her first date with Johnny! Eeee! Make out sesh, anyone?
One final note to the powers that be, the character of Alfred, the advice giving butler has been previously cast by a little known comic/cartoon/movies (see Batman).
Follow The Breakdown on Twitter @GHTheBreakdown
Moving on, Liz continues grilling Rebecca like the hamburger that she is. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Rebecca insists that she is in love with Nicholas not because he is moderately tall, dark, and handsome, but because he is “dark, troubled, and struggling.” Think Robert Downey Jr. in the 90’s. We can tell by Liz’s game face that she doesn’t want to believe her even though she does. Rebecca plans to tell Nicholas everything before they leave for Greece. You snooze you lose, Becks.
Since Nicholas already knows the happy news he is ready for the details… Like how long have Rebecca and Ethan known each other and were they lovers… In other words, do I need to get tested? Well, Nicholas… I’m gonna be straight with you, you’re probably carrying something. As soon as his rage reaches a boil, Rebecca shows up and after five minutes of the silent treatment feels the need to state the obvious, “Something’s wrong.”
Ding, ding, ding. Let’s see what she’s won, Rod! A trip to Atlantic City?!
Johnny confronts Olivia about the heated convo he overheard between her and Dominante. After she comes up with a half-decent explanation Johnny says, “Sounds a little like a mother yelling at her kids for playing in the street.” Hahaha, haha, oh, that’s a good one mister, hahaha, like a mother yelling at her kids, haha, where do you come up with this stuff, haha, ha, hum. Phew, that was a close one.
Meanwhile, Dominante is getting chewed out by Jax for getting near his family. Can’t really blame him after Morgan introduces him as the guy who kidnapped them in the woods. Oh! Come on in! Of course you can take my step-son to the game, and remind me later to give you the combination to our safe. Dominante handles it with grace and continues to score buku points with me.
Honorable mentions…
1. Michael and Kristina get jobs in Cancun doing practically nothing wearing practically nothing.
2. Olivia yells at Ronnie, Ronnie yells at Dante, Dante yells at Olivia (Ronnie is Dante’s partner… I mean, undercover partner… I mean, hetero police co-worker).
3. Michael gets asked out on his first date! Eeee!
4. Olivia gets asked out on her first date with Johnny! Eeee! Make out sesh, anyone?
One final note to the powers that be, the character of Alfred, the advice giving butler has been previously cast by a little known comic/cartoon/movies (see Batman).
Follow The Breakdown on Twitter @GHTheBreakdown
No, Jason and Sam scenes today? Seems like a good time to focus our attention elsewhere. We’ll just let Jason bleed out for another 24 hours and I’m sure Sam has enjoyed the last two days in handcuffs with the Mexican Tony Soprano.
Instead, we focus today on the ticking time bomb that is Nicholas and Rebecca’s relationship. The day starts off beautifully, sun shining, birds chirping, plus Nicholas finally got some. He asks her to go away with him on a trip and her immediate response is, “Atlantic City!?” Classy, but no. How about Greece with my son you’ve never met? Gulp. She finally agrees to go after Nicholas destroys her work ethic.
Meanwhile, Lucky and Liz have a cute little moment to throw us off the NichoLiz scent. That is until Lucky tells her about Rebecca and she starts getting angry and jealous. They debate whether or not to tell Nicholas. Arg. If only they had told us in the promo what was going to happen! Oh, that’s right. They did.
So here it is… the moment of truth. Nicholas, I hate to break it to you, but we all think it's creepy that you have rebounded with Emily’s twin sister. Oh… and also, she’s been lying to you this entire time. (I may have embellished a bit there.) At the same time, Rebecca is with Liz at the docks attempting to make peace and telling Liz that she is in love with Nicholas. Oh dear, now that she is finally innocent and sincere Nicholas is going to go all Cassadine on her. Oh gosh, I hope he doesn’t feed her to Helena.
Keiffer is back today to annoy the crap out of us and prove his manhood by picking on Morgan. Enter Dominante. What are big brothers for? He takes Morgan home where Carly and Olivia are becoming bff’s. Olivia talks Carly out of using work as a "Michael" distraction to which Carly says, “This is why I don’t have girlfriends, you are all to knowing and hard to fool.” Don't worry, men... I'm sure it's nothing personal.
Later Olivia lays into Dominic for getting involved with Carly and family who will all be compromised when he takes down Sonny. Johnny overhears and confronts Olivia on it back at her apartment. What? No token makeout sesh? Did my DVR malfunction?
That's all for today folks, I don't have the energy to try and make Robin's scenes sound interesting.
Instead, we focus today on the ticking time bomb that is Nicholas and Rebecca’s relationship. The day starts off beautifully, sun shining, birds chirping, plus Nicholas finally got some. He asks her to go away with him on a trip and her immediate response is, “Atlantic City!?” Classy, but no. How about Greece with my son you’ve never met? Gulp. She finally agrees to go after Nicholas destroys her work ethic.
Meanwhile, Lucky and Liz have a cute little moment to throw us off the NichoLiz scent. That is until Lucky tells her about Rebecca and she starts getting angry and jealous. They debate whether or not to tell Nicholas. Arg. If only they had told us in the promo what was going to happen! Oh, that’s right. They did.
So here it is… the moment of truth. Nicholas, I hate to break it to you, but we all think it's creepy that you have rebounded with Emily’s twin sister. Oh… and also, she’s been lying to you this entire time. (I may have embellished a bit there.) At the same time, Rebecca is with Liz at the docks attempting to make peace and telling Liz that she is in love with Nicholas. Oh dear, now that she is finally innocent and sincere Nicholas is going to go all Cassadine on her. Oh gosh, I hope he doesn’t feed her to Helena.
Keiffer is back today to annoy the crap out of us and prove his manhood by picking on Morgan. Enter Dominante. What are big brothers for? He takes Morgan home where Carly and Olivia are becoming bff’s. Olivia talks Carly out of using work as a "Michael" distraction to which Carly says, “This is why I don’t have girlfriends, you are all to knowing and hard to fool.” Don't worry, men... I'm sure it's nothing personal.
Later Olivia lays into Dominic for getting involved with Carly and family who will all be compromised when he takes down Sonny. Johnny overhears and confronts Olivia on it back at her apartment. What? No token makeout sesh? Did my DVR malfunction?
That's all for today folks, I don't have the energy to try and make Robin's scenes sound interesting.
Where I live there is a fugitive show that airs once a week to inform the public of criminals on the loose in the area. About a year ago one of the criminals saw himself on the show and called the network wondering why he saw his mugshot on TV. The network made up a story about how he won something, but needed him to disclose his location so he could collect. Of course, he agreed, otherwise this story wouldn't be worth telling. The cops arrested him within an hour. All this is to say that I think Jerry Jacks is almost as dumb a criminal as this guy. First we get a sleep inducing monologue, then we get cliche bad guy jokes like "Jason, you look crushed.", and then he leaves his enemy alive. What is this job security?!
Kristina escapes the guard and pretends that she intentionally pulls the fire alarm to save Michael. Suuuuuure.
In Port Charles, Traci has intuited that Ethan and Rebecca have secrets and wants Ethan to spill. After he sees Rebecca and Nicholas gambling he decides it's time to tattle on her to Lucky and give him the responsibility of telling Nicholas about her intentions or not. Okay... so it looks like Nicholas is basically going to go after whichever woman gives him the most attention. In fact he is so starved for attention that he is kieffing cell phones. I gotta say, it seems like he and Elizabeth have great chemistry, but dude... I'm not sure if I can encourage brother-share. Yah, no.
Olivia and Johnny are doing their part to reduce the carbon footprint by recycling scripts. I can't remember the last time they had a scene together when they didn't reassure each other of their feelings and then immediately get down to business. Bow chica wow wow.
The Dominante storyline is moving along rapidly in soap opera years. His reunion with dear old dad shouldn't be too far off.
What can I say about Spixie? A few weeks ago I was so happy for them, but now I've lost the will to root them on. Spinelli has achieved new levels of annoyance and Maxie is incapable of being honest. Fortunately, today their awkward alone time was interrupted by Lulu who is going to be planning the wedding with Maxie. The scene of the day goes to Maxie when she freaks out over not being able to picture her wedding shoes. Priceless.
Oh, and Diane is awesome!
Kristina escapes the guard and pretends that she intentionally pulls the fire alarm to save Michael. Suuuuuure.
In Port Charles, Traci has intuited that Ethan and Rebecca have secrets and wants Ethan to spill. After he sees Rebecca and Nicholas gambling he decides it's time to tattle on her to Lucky and give him the responsibility of telling Nicholas about her intentions or not. Okay... so it looks like Nicholas is basically going to go after whichever woman gives him the most attention. In fact he is so starved for attention that he is kieffing cell phones. I gotta say, it seems like he and Elizabeth have great chemistry, but dude... I'm not sure if I can encourage brother-share. Yah, no.
Olivia and Johnny are doing their part to reduce the carbon footprint by recycling scripts. I can't remember the last time they had a scene together when they didn't reassure each other of their feelings and then immediately get down to business. Bow chica wow wow.
The Dominante storyline is moving along rapidly in soap opera years. His reunion with dear old dad shouldn't be too far off.
What can I say about Spixie? A few weeks ago I was so happy for them, but now I've lost the will to root them on. Spinelli has achieved new levels of annoyance and Maxie is incapable of being honest. Fortunately, today their awkward alone time was interrupted by Lulu who is going to be planning the wedding with Maxie. The scene of the day goes to Maxie when she freaks out over not being able to picture her wedding shoes. Priceless.
Oh, and Diane is awesome!
This may or may not disturb you, but I was sitting here wondering if there was another term I could use for GH fans or GH'ers just to mix things up. I decided that I would approach this naming task as if I was dealing with a couple (i.e. Brangelina, Jasam, Spixie etc...). Are you starting to see where this is going? You guessed it folks, after dedicating several seconds of my very best thinking to this assignment I have discovered, based on modern day lingual trends, that GH fans could best be described as Genitals. You can do with that information what you will.
Subject change? Yes, please! So today in Port Charles things are moving right along for the newly engaged couple. If you don't know who I'm talking about you should stop reading this blog. J/K it's Spixie! Please don't leave me! Anyway, alot happened so I'll break it down for you in chronological order. Spinelli is excited, Robin assumes pregnancy, Maxie denies, Spinelli faints, Spinelli talks babies, Maxie throws up a little in her mouth, Spinelli talks Spinelli, Maxie throws up a little in her mouth, Johnny enters, stuff happens, Kate enters, Kate hijacks wedding, Maxie regains control, Maxie loses her mind. The good news ladies and Genitals, is that we know now that this will all be over on September 21st. Will they tie the knot? Will Maxie be honest? Can any of you focus now that I said Genitals?
Speaking of, south of the border... Jason finds Jerry hiding out in an abandoned church. Jerry, who I realized today reminds me of the Dyson vacuum guy, pretty much monologues the whole time. I'm not sure exactly what he said except for the "Jaseepoo" that came out somewhere in the middle. I certainly don't know what he said after that! Finally, the monologue ends as most villianous monologues do with the protagonist swiftly attacking from behind and asking where someone named Sam is. Jerry somehow escapes a man three times his size by nudging him with his elbow. Blast it all! Eventually, they wrestle their way through a supporting beam and both end up buried under a collapsed ceiling. Oh botha (you remember Eeyore from Pooh? The donkey? Depressed all time? Tale nailed to his assets? Forget it.)
Back at the place where the kids are staying Michael is more and more convinced that Jerry is bad news. Kristina is more and more naive even though they have been more or less locked in a room with no connection to the outside world. Ah frick, we're gonna miss iCarly. Michael attempts to attack the rent-a-cop so Kristina can escape, but she appears to hesitate. I just can't tell if it is a real hesitation or just the "freeze your pose for several seconds at the end of each scene to add suspense" pose.
Dominante gets arrested and Diane tries to get him out of it. Of course he does this on his own by breaking the cardinal rule of working undercover... telling a handful of people that you are working undercover. At least you're still pretty.
My favorite scene of the day goes to Olivia who has forced me to ask the question... What's the music equivelant of women who don't dress their own age?
Alright, alright, that's enough for one day! Tell me what you're thinking... Will Spinista get married? Will Olivia choose Sonny? Will they always write Spinelli's script like he is Hamlet?
Subject change? Yes, please! So today in Port Charles things are moving right along for the newly engaged couple. If you don't know who I'm talking about you should stop reading this blog. J/K it's Spixie! Please don't leave me! Anyway, alot happened so I'll break it down for you in chronological order. Spinelli is excited, Robin assumes pregnancy, Maxie denies, Spinelli faints, Spinelli talks babies, Maxie throws up a little in her mouth, Spinelli talks Spinelli, Maxie throws up a little in her mouth, Johnny enters, stuff happens, Kate enters, Kate hijacks wedding, Maxie regains control, Maxie loses her mind. The good news ladies and Genitals, is that we know now that this will all be over on September 21st. Will they tie the knot? Will Maxie be honest? Can any of you focus now that I said Genitals?
Speaking of, south of the border... Jason finds Jerry hiding out in an abandoned church. Jerry, who I realized today reminds me of the Dyson vacuum guy, pretty much monologues the whole time. I'm not sure exactly what he said except for the "Jaseepoo" that came out somewhere in the middle. I certainly don't know what he said after that! Finally, the monologue ends as most villianous monologues do with the protagonist swiftly attacking from behind and asking where someone named Sam is. Jerry somehow escapes a man three times his size by nudging him with his elbow. Blast it all! Eventually, they wrestle their way through a supporting beam and both end up buried under a collapsed ceiling. Oh botha (you remember Eeyore from Pooh? The donkey? Depressed all time? Tale nailed to his assets? Forget it.)
Back at the place where the kids are staying Michael is more and more convinced that Jerry is bad news. Kristina is more and more naive even though they have been more or less locked in a room with no connection to the outside world. Ah frick, we're gonna miss iCarly. Michael attempts to attack the rent-a-cop so Kristina can escape, but she appears to hesitate. I just can't tell if it is a real hesitation or just the "freeze your pose for several seconds at the end of each scene to add suspense" pose.
Dominante gets arrested and Diane tries to get him out of it. Of course he does this on his own by breaking the cardinal rule of working undercover... telling a handful of people that you are working undercover. At least you're still pretty.
My favorite scene of the day goes to Olivia who has forced me to ask the question... What's the music equivelant of women who don't dress their own age?
Alright, alright, that's enough for one day! Tell me what you're thinking... Will Spinista get married? Will Olivia choose Sonny? Will they always write Spinelli's script like he is Hamlet?
Uh...(shoulder tap)... Um... Maxie?... Hi. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Are you such a child that you are going to accept an unwanted proposal for the sake of being rebellious?! Ugh, I've been less irritated by those insufferable children that play the repeat game. Ugh, I've been less irritated by those insufferable children that play the repeat game. You finally got your out! Your one chance to decline the proposal and place the blame on someone else! What’s worse is that the longer Spinelli rambled on about, well, whatever it is that Spinelli rambles on about, the more I started to want Maxie to say “no”. Will soap operas ever give us what we want without a fight? Sigh. At least they did give us some comic relief. The quote of the day belongs to Mac when he is reminding the Jackal why he is not worthy of Maxie’s hand in marriage, “You’re a criminal, and a weird criminal at that.” He also at some point refers to him as a “nincompoop” and justifiably threatens to “dismember” him if he continues to make reference to their… eh, em… closeness. Eventually Patrick and Robin pull Mac away is if he was in a bar brawl and they all take off. Lulu follows suit wondering if anyone can actually hear her when she speaks. The hideousness that was this scene ends with the classic “you can’t tell that I’m making a concerned face because we are hugging” hug.
In other less relevant news, Keiffer loses his shishkabob and smashes a glass in a fit of man-rage in order to manipulate innocent little Molly into talking about “K”. Is it too soon to kill this guy off? I would kick that dude in the nuts un-prevoked simply to ensure that he couldn’t procreate!
Elizabeth and Nicholas have a sober conversation about their feelings at long last! Unfortunately they are being smart about the whole thing and don’t want to ruin a great friendship based on a few drunken nights. I’m sorry, did I say drunken? I mean polluted. Huh? That’s right kids, terms like trashed, hammered, or wasted are so passé… if you want anyone to believe that you are a future 12-stepper the hip new slang is polluted. Righteous.
Hmmm… what else… oh yes… Dante is a cop! I think I went from 0 to “have mercy” in point two seconds when it was finally revealed. So he is a good, bad boy! Tell me that isn’t sexy! YES! The Wedding Singer just came on! Unrelated.
Finally, in Mexico Michael and Kristina slowly come to the conclusion that Jerry Jacks can’t be trusted. It went something like, “Wait a minute. Jerry almost killed every person we know a few years ago, and I can’t think of anyone who trusts him, and… OMG, is that the Jonas Brothers?!!! They try to leave, but Jerry has a rent-a-cop guarding the door. Meanwhile, Jerry has taken Sam hostage and they somehow end up in Hugh Hefner’s bedroom. As if we weren’t creeped out enough by Jerry being Jerry, enter a larger-than-life man who can only be described as a Mexican Soprano into the Hef suite where Sam is now handcuffed. Eek!
Final thought… wait… is that what Jerry Springer used to do at the end of his shows? Seriously… I can’t remember? Ah well, final thought… I think I’d like to see Sonny and Claudia together. I mean really together, not “obligated because we are married because we wanted to create a mob alliance because somehow it will be more lucrative” together. Thoughts?
In other less relevant news, Keiffer loses his shishkabob and smashes a glass in a fit of man-rage in order to manipulate innocent little Molly into talking about “K”. Is it too soon to kill this guy off? I would kick that dude in the nuts un-prevoked simply to ensure that he couldn’t procreate!
Elizabeth and Nicholas have a sober conversation about their feelings at long last! Unfortunately they are being smart about the whole thing and don’t want to ruin a great friendship based on a few drunken nights. I’m sorry, did I say drunken? I mean polluted. Huh? That’s right kids, terms like trashed, hammered, or wasted are so passé… if you want anyone to believe that you are a future 12-stepper the hip new slang is polluted. Righteous.
Hmmm… what else… oh yes… Dante is a cop! I think I went from 0 to “have mercy” in point two seconds when it was finally revealed. So he is a good, bad boy! Tell me that isn’t sexy! YES! The Wedding Singer just came on! Unrelated.
Finally, in Mexico Michael and Kristina slowly come to the conclusion that Jerry Jacks can’t be trusted. It went something like, “Wait a minute. Jerry almost killed every person we know a few years ago, and I can’t think of anyone who trusts him, and… OMG, is that the Jonas Brothers?!!! They try to leave, but Jerry has a rent-a-cop guarding the door. Meanwhile, Jerry has taken Sam hostage and they somehow end up in Hugh Hefner’s bedroom. As if we weren’t creeped out enough by Jerry being Jerry, enter a larger-than-life man who can only be described as a Mexican Soprano into the Hef suite where Sam is now handcuffed. Eek!
Final thought… wait… is that what Jerry Springer used to do at the end of his shows? Seriously… I can’t remember? Ah well, final thought… I think I’d like to see Sonny and Claudia together. I mean really together, not “obligated because we are married because we wanted to create a mob alliance because somehow it will be more lucrative” together. Thoughts?
I know it's hard to remember what happened before the accident and the Corinthoes kid's field trip to Mexico, but it wasn't to long ago when Spinelli made his singing debut which won him his first night of mutual passion with Maximista. Since then, we've been living in soap opera agony as we've watched her avoid her little Spin-muffin and interfere with his plans to obtain Mac's blessing. Of course, the most agonizing part has been listening to Spinelli fish for encouragement from anyone who has cared to listen for the better part of two weeks. ANYWAY, the time finally came for Spinelli to ask for Mac's blessing despite the fact that he has a yet unwilling bride. So as most men do when trying to win the approval of their beloved's "patriarch" he gets down on one knee gesturing with his gift of man flowers. Meanwhile, Maxie is gulping down her vino and the rest of us are cringing and/or yelling "don't do it!" from our couches. Spinelli, Spinelli, Spinelli. Hopefully all this silliness won't result in the end of Spinmax before they have really begun. I guess we'll see how it all plays out on Monday.
Today's other honorable mentions...
1. Sonny makes fun of the way Spinelli talks
2. Carly loses a bet and somehow that means she gets a massage from Jax?! Gambling, anyone? ;)
3. Michael insists that he "could have handled" the gang bangers if they hadn't had knives. I have nothing to add to this.
Okay, it's your turn... What do you all think of SpinMax? Will they last? Should they last? Is anyone else tired of hearing the Jackal refer to himself in third person?
Today's other honorable mentions...
1. Sonny makes fun of the way Spinelli talks
2. Carly loses a bet and somehow that means she gets a massage from Jax?! Gambling, anyone? ;)
3. Michael insists that he "could have handled" the gang bangers if they hadn't had knives. I have nothing to add to this.
Okay, it's your turn... What do you all think of SpinMax? Will they last? Should they last? Is anyone else tired of hearing the Jackal refer to himself in third person?
The theme of today's episode reads like the most disturbing personal ad the world has ever seen. “Seeking 16yr. old, fugitive, honor student.” Well, Kristina may be an honor student, but today we are reminded that book smarts and street smarts are two very different things. While she and Michael are still on the lamb she decides to send a postcard to her little sister. Thankfully Michael stops her before she leaves a trail of breadcrumbs and postmarks. Phew. After finally convincing Kristina of why they can’t contact their families Michael caves and decides that the best idea would be to email his little bro Morgan and swear him to secrecy except to Molly, obviously. Guys. Knock knock. This is a bad plan.
While Michael and Kristina are sending emails and feasting on salmon salads and sparkling waters like most teenagers do, Jerry snoops around their room. As they leave, a menacing Mexican man follows after them and outside they are ambushed by a gang! Michael acts unafraid and unleashes his secret weapon… his words. Surprisingly, the full-grown man holding a knife in his face is un-phased. Enter Jerry.
Back in Port Charles, Morgan tries to take care of Carly who seems to think “bed rest” is another way of saying, “Live your life as you normally would.” He forces her to eat carrots admitting that Jax has bribed him with goodies if she eats any. When Carly learns he was ONLY offered a helicopter ride over the city she gives him his first lesson on taking advantage of people who have a lot of money. ABC’s? Check! 123’s? Check? Exploiting rich people? Check!
After Carly stuffs the nasty carrots in the couch (word.) Max stops by to play gin rummy? Carly takes no time in deducing that this is another ploy by Jax to distract her from the fact that her brain-injured teenager is no where to be found. I LOVE gin rummy, I would have forgotten about my missing kid before the cards were dealt!
When Jax finally graces us with his charming presence Carly insists that there are better ways to distract her. Wink. Wink. Solitaire?! No?
Down the road Alexis tells Molly that she can’t go online anymore, basically because mommy dearest has confessed to or has been accused of every crime in PC. Diane (one of my favs) storms in and tries to convince Alexis to tell the police that Kristina ran Claudia off the road so she can get the murder charges dropped. Ahhh, soap operas. Despite Diane’s best efforts Alexis won’t let Kristina’s life be “derailed” by telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy? Uncheck! Naturally, Molly overhears everything and once Morgan shows up to tell her about the email from Michael they officially become the most informed characters in the show. I bet tomorrow Olivia will tell them who Dominic really is.
Back to May-hee-co. Sam is back at the hotel where the kids are staying and calls the Jackal for more help. Before Sam can conclude the call Spinelli starts whining AGAIN about his undefined engagement. Sam’s, “WHAT Spinelli!” as he started talking was priceless. Poor Spinellster. His “unresolved romantic dilemma” is paralyzing his brain! Fortunately, Sam is able to give Spinelli the advice that we all wish we could scream through the TV. If you want to get married you are going to have to be more intuitive, dude! Of course, after Sam beats reality into him, he seeks out Diane and Max’s counsel to tell him what he wants to hear and now he’s planning on crashing the Scorpio family dinner to get his blessing and his bride. Rut row, reorge.
At Kelly’s, Maxie rants about a work crisis and Lulu steps in and calls the over-dramatic outburst what it is… “You’re scared because you don’t want to tell Spinelli you don’t want to get married.” Lesson learned? Next time someone proposes to you and you want to say no… don’t accept the ring… unless of course you mean to pawn it. Seriously.
At good ‘ole GH Robin is still convinced that the right handed killer theory is a home run. When Patrick’s storage closet invitation is interrupted by Andrea Floyd, Robin immediately throws keys at her which she catches in her RIGHT hand. Dun.dun.dun. Would now be a bad time to mention that in baseball you catch with your weak hand? Wow, Robin is right, this detective thing is thrilling! Andrea leaves. Mac show’s up and doesn’t want any help from Robin in the investigation. Andrea comes back and threatens Mac’s career if he doesn’t convict Alexis soon.
The random scene of the day belongs to Rebecca and Edward Q’maine. Rebecca scolds Edward for being her hall monitor and spoiling her “special time” with Nicholas. Ignoring her, Edward is busy strolling down memory lane and dodges a bullet by taking her with him. They look at photos of Lila on what would have been their anniversary. Being the fickle pickle that I am, I think I actually liked Edward today. Enjoy it while it lasts, Eddie!
Alright folks… talk to me!
While Michael and Kristina are sending emails and feasting on salmon salads and sparkling waters like most teenagers do, Jerry snoops around their room. As they leave, a menacing Mexican man follows after them and outside they are ambushed by a gang! Michael acts unafraid and unleashes his secret weapon… his words. Surprisingly, the full-grown man holding a knife in his face is un-phased. Enter Jerry.
Back in Port Charles, Morgan tries to take care of Carly who seems to think “bed rest” is another way of saying, “Live your life as you normally would.” He forces her to eat carrots admitting that Jax has bribed him with goodies if she eats any. When Carly learns he was ONLY offered a helicopter ride over the city she gives him his first lesson on taking advantage of people who have a lot of money. ABC’s? Check! 123’s? Check? Exploiting rich people? Check!
After Carly stuffs the nasty carrots in the couch (word.) Max stops by to play gin rummy? Carly takes no time in deducing that this is another ploy by Jax to distract her from the fact that her brain-injured teenager is no where to be found. I LOVE gin rummy, I would have forgotten about my missing kid before the cards were dealt!
When Jax finally graces us with his charming presence Carly insists that there are better ways to distract her. Wink. Wink. Solitaire?! No?
Down the road Alexis tells Molly that she can’t go online anymore, basically because mommy dearest has confessed to or has been accused of every crime in PC. Diane (one of my favs) storms in and tries to convince Alexis to tell the police that Kristina ran Claudia off the road so she can get the murder charges dropped. Ahhh, soap operas. Despite Diane’s best efforts Alexis won’t let Kristina’s life be “derailed” by telling the truth. Honesty is the best policy? Uncheck! Naturally, Molly overhears everything and once Morgan shows up to tell her about the email from Michael they officially become the most informed characters in the show. I bet tomorrow Olivia will tell them who Dominic really is.
Back to May-hee-co. Sam is back at the hotel where the kids are staying and calls the Jackal for more help. Before Sam can conclude the call Spinelli starts whining AGAIN about his undefined engagement. Sam’s, “WHAT Spinelli!” as he started talking was priceless. Poor Spinellster. His “unresolved romantic dilemma” is paralyzing his brain! Fortunately, Sam is able to give Spinelli the advice that we all wish we could scream through the TV. If you want to get married you are going to have to be more intuitive, dude! Of course, after Sam beats reality into him, he seeks out Diane and Max’s counsel to tell him what he wants to hear and now he’s planning on crashing the Scorpio family dinner to get his blessing and his bride. Rut row, reorge.
At Kelly’s, Maxie rants about a work crisis and Lulu steps in and calls the over-dramatic outburst what it is… “You’re scared because you don’t want to tell Spinelli you don’t want to get married.” Lesson learned? Next time someone proposes to you and you want to say no… don’t accept the ring… unless of course you mean to pawn it. Seriously.
At good ‘ole GH Robin is still convinced that the right handed killer theory is a home run. When Patrick’s storage closet invitation is interrupted by Andrea Floyd, Robin immediately throws keys at her which she catches in her RIGHT hand. Dun.dun.dun. Would now be a bad time to mention that in baseball you catch with your weak hand? Wow, Robin is right, this detective thing is thrilling! Andrea leaves. Mac show’s up and doesn’t want any help from Robin in the investigation. Andrea comes back and threatens Mac’s career if he doesn’t convict Alexis soon.
The random scene of the day belongs to Rebecca and Edward Q’maine. Rebecca scolds Edward for being her hall monitor and spoiling her “special time” with Nicholas. Ignoring her, Edward is busy strolling down memory lane and dodges a bullet by taking her with him. They look at photos of Lila on what would have been their anniversary. Being the fickle pickle that I am, I think I actually liked Edward today. Enjoy it while it lasts, Eddie!
Alright folks… talk to me!
I've always been a strong proponent of counting blessings and after watching this episode I was reminded of one blessing that I have taken for granted way to long. In 25 years and 10 months of childhood I have never witnessed my parents... gettin' jiggy.
Though I do get a certain amount of satisfaction out of watching awkward moments that I don’t have to live through myself, I do feel for our boy Dominic or Dante or whatever you want to call him after he walks in on his half-naked mom Olivia logging some couch time with Johnny who is old enough... eh em... young enough to be his brother. Awkward! I can't quite remember what happens in the rest of the scene except that Olivia runs to the window/nearest available exit, and appears to stand there wondering if she’ll ever have sex again.
Speaking of… Now that Olivia has made it blatantly clear, for the time being, that she is definitely not having sex with Sonny… we cut to Sonny back at the hospital ready to give Claudia some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Surprise! He must be idolized by the 7 straight men that watch this soap. After he leaves Claudia in the hospital, AGAIN, he runs into Dominic and Lulu at Kelly’s where Lulu is fine-tuning the art of putting Dominic in his place. Ahhhh, I love the smell of budding romance.
Awwwww. Father/son moment! Tear. Sonny and Dominic talk moms and respect, clueless about each other’s relationships with Olivia or each other. Classic.
Back at the hospital Claudia tries to clear up the mess she started with Jerry Jacks after she hired and fired him from tracking down Michael and Kristina. Now Jason is going to end up in a debacle that only a soap opera could orchestrate, which is already leading to the inevitable revival of Jasam. Hold that thought… Johnny catches Claudia on the phone with Jerry and lays into her for being such a troublemaker. Blah blah blah.
Okay, did you hold it? While Sam is in Mexico searching for Michael and Kristina she calls Spinelli for help. The Jackal continues his week long rant about his desire to marry Maximista and obtain the “patriarchal” blessing. Oh Spinelli. Sam tries to give him advice, which most Jasam-ers could easily identify as code for, “this is what I learned about love with Jason”. Spinelli, being the #1 Jasam advocate that he is, reads her like a book and offers some profound advice to help her love with Stonecold “blossom” again. Ready… here it is… FORGIVENESS! Oh man, I was just getting to the point where I forgot all that mess that ended their relationship! Oh who am I kidding! Jasam is back! Break out the dominoes and tequila baby!
Bringing them together… the infant fugitives Kristina and Michael. As they look for places to stay in Mexico Michael continues to reassure Kristina that he will be okay if she wants to go back to Port Charles. She, of course, continues to live with the lie. Dude it was an accident, you’re a minor... it's going to be okay. This is what parents are for. Who? Oh yah, Sonny and Alexis who I don’t think even mentioned them in this episode. Uh, hello?! Where are your kids?!!!!
Back to Alexis, apparently Robin is trying to add “detective” to her resume. She’s convinced that Alexis is innocent because she's left handed.... well, I guess that’s better than the tall person short person theory. Patrick wins the man of the year award for humoring Robin and not having her tested for obsessive compulsive disorder. Of course, I still have a pretty serious crush on him since his karaoke performance.
Off to Nizabeth, or Elizalas? Nichobeth? Heck, maybe that’s why they aren’t together yet. What on earth will we ever call them? I digress. After the girls night implodes and Edward “the BuzzKill” Quartermaine inappropriately interferes in a grown up relationship poor Nicholas and Emily end up at the bar alone. Silver lining? It seems neither one of them are the type to ignore opportunity when it comes a’knockin. Their interaction is priceless. Both wasted after “licking, slamming, and sucking” their way through a bottle of Jose’s finest, they shamelessly flirt back and forth hoping to use their lowered inhibitions as an excuse to “get in trouble”. When Nicholas suggests he may want to be with Liz she laughs and slyly proposes another drink. Subtle, Liz. After endless scenes of them both beating around the bush, waiting for the other one to make the first move Liz talks about her kids and her priorities to try and channel her sober side. Ultimately, she walks away, but it’s just a matter of time people.
Meanwhile, Ethan reveals that thing that makes all bad boys irresistible. His heart. Cheesy, I know. Telling Rebecca that she is the only true thing he has and she is worth more than money. Congratulations, you’re a human! Somehow he is surprised that she is hesitant because of, "Nicholas?" Dude, where have you been? Anyway, he plants one on her and leaves her to sleep on it. End scene.
That’s all the Port Charles for today folks!
Though I do get a certain amount of satisfaction out of watching awkward moments that I don’t have to live through myself, I do feel for our boy Dominic or Dante or whatever you want to call him after he walks in on his half-naked mom Olivia logging some couch time with Johnny who is old enough... eh em... young enough to be his brother. Awkward! I can't quite remember what happens in the rest of the scene except that Olivia runs to the window/nearest available exit, and appears to stand there wondering if she’ll ever have sex again.
Speaking of… Now that Olivia has made it blatantly clear, for the time being, that she is definitely not having sex with Sonny… we cut to Sonny back at the hospital ready to give Claudia some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Surprise! He must be idolized by the 7 straight men that watch this soap. After he leaves Claudia in the hospital, AGAIN, he runs into Dominic and Lulu at Kelly’s where Lulu is fine-tuning the art of putting Dominic in his place. Ahhhh, I love the smell of budding romance.
Awwwww. Father/son moment! Tear. Sonny and Dominic talk moms and respect, clueless about each other’s relationships with Olivia or each other. Classic.
Back at the hospital Claudia tries to clear up the mess she started with Jerry Jacks after she hired and fired him from tracking down Michael and Kristina. Now Jason is going to end up in a debacle that only a soap opera could orchestrate, which is already leading to the inevitable revival of Jasam. Hold that thought… Johnny catches Claudia on the phone with Jerry and lays into her for being such a troublemaker. Blah blah blah.
Okay, did you hold it? While Sam is in Mexico searching for Michael and Kristina she calls Spinelli for help. The Jackal continues his week long rant about his desire to marry Maximista and obtain the “patriarchal” blessing. Oh Spinelli. Sam tries to give him advice, which most Jasam-ers could easily identify as code for, “this is what I learned about love with Jason”. Spinelli, being the #1 Jasam advocate that he is, reads her like a book and offers some profound advice to help her love with Stonecold “blossom” again. Ready… here it is… FORGIVENESS! Oh man, I was just getting to the point where I forgot all that mess that ended their relationship! Oh who am I kidding! Jasam is back! Break out the dominoes and tequila baby!
Bringing them together… the infant fugitives Kristina and Michael. As they look for places to stay in Mexico Michael continues to reassure Kristina that he will be okay if she wants to go back to Port Charles. She, of course, continues to live with the lie. Dude it was an accident, you’re a minor... it's going to be okay. This is what parents are for. Who? Oh yah, Sonny and Alexis who I don’t think even mentioned them in this episode. Uh, hello?! Where are your kids?!!!!
Back to Alexis, apparently Robin is trying to add “detective” to her resume. She’s convinced that Alexis is innocent because she's left handed.... well, I guess that’s better than the tall person short person theory. Patrick wins the man of the year award for humoring Robin and not having her tested for obsessive compulsive disorder. Of course, I still have a pretty serious crush on him since his karaoke performance.
Off to Nizabeth, or Elizalas? Nichobeth? Heck, maybe that’s why they aren’t together yet. What on earth will we ever call them? I digress. After the girls night implodes and Edward “the BuzzKill” Quartermaine inappropriately interferes in a grown up relationship poor Nicholas and Emily end up at the bar alone. Silver lining? It seems neither one of them are the type to ignore opportunity when it comes a’knockin. Their interaction is priceless. Both wasted after “licking, slamming, and sucking” their way through a bottle of Jose’s finest, they shamelessly flirt back and forth hoping to use their lowered inhibitions as an excuse to “get in trouble”. When Nicholas suggests he may want to be with Liz she laughs and slyly proposes another drink. Subtle, Liz. After endless scenes of them both beating around the bush, waiting for the other one to make the first move Liz talks about her kids and her priorities to try and channel her sober side. Ultimately, she walks away, but it’s just a matter of time people.
Meanwhile, Ethan reveals that thing that makes all bad boys irresistible. His heart. Cheesy, I know. Telling Rebecca that she is the only true thing he has and she is worth more than money. Congratulations, you’re a human! Somehow he is surprised that she is hesitant because of, "Nicholas?" Dude, where have you been? Anyway, he plants one on her and leaves her to sleep on it. End scene.
That’s all the Port Charles for today folks!
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